There are days that I just don’t.
Don’t want to be positive. Don’t want to smile. Don’t want to get ready, look presentable, put on make up, do my hair. Don’t want to get out of bed when I’m feeling so cozy and warm bundled up in my plush blanket. Don’t want to listen to a morning radio show and sit in sluggish traffic. Don’t want to have coffee to get that much needed boost. Don’t want to be polite. Don’t want to be ladylike. Don’t want to lie, “I’m fine”. Don’t want to be agreeable. Don’t want to be the yes-girl – “sure, I’ll do that!” Don’t want to be helpful. Don’t want to hold my tongue. Don’t want to care about the lack of structure and terrible curriculum I have to witness on the daily sticking basis as a teaching assistant. Don’t want to be anyone’s assistant – how degrading, how inconsequential, me.
There are days that I just do.
Do want to give people the dirty, shameful looks they deserve when they’re being shitheads. Do want to challenge my students when they swear they know everything to show them how truly stupid they are. Do want to ram my car into drivers that aggressively cut me off in the midst of an insane bottleneck. Do want to roll up into a ball when I feel nauseous or lose my appetite. It’s abnormal to not want to eat because I love food more than anything. Do want to be angry without remorse or the pressure to be apologetic about it. Do want to wallow with my sadness because it seems to be my most present companion. Do want to rage against subtle racism, institutionalized patriarchy, misogyny, socio-economic inequality, d e b t. Do want to scratch and tear at my body because I’m sick of not fitting into clothes properly but hate the notion of working out. Do want to egg people who suggest exercise as an outlet – take that for protein!
Most days that I do not. Do get riled up about the cashier at 711 who makes a sly remark about me paying for snacks instead of the guy that I’m with because it suggests that he doesn’t have money to even pay for little things like that. Do not do anything more than bitch about it in the comfort of the sound-proof bubble that is my car. Do feel frustrated by the feeling of unfulfillment on the daily because of the constant disappointments I’ve been met with – especially lately. Do not spend the time to stop, breathe, and get myself together – just keep moving and leave the contemplation for an afterthought.
Nike’s high and mighty motto tells us to, “JUST DO IT”, how’s about I fuckin’ don’t.
Like an eclipse, I am light shining through barriers.
Activity blurred by obscurity.