Contra

The first six letters of the infamous English word CONTRADICTION.

In Spanish, this means AGAINST, which translates to COUNTER in English, which is a synonym for AGAINST.

What a small world!

But really, I am a contra[diction]. The reason I can’t get people to agree with me on most things is because I can’t even agree with myself! People can definitely detect that.

Am I the only one who so dearly wants a fully functional support system but also wants solitude, independence, and privacy? Am I the only one who wants to lose the extra 40 pounds on my body but is still quite content with the body (I mean fat) that already exists? [Because that’s what being #BodyPosi is all about!]  Am I the only one who identifies as a feminist but still gets a kick out of being complimented and feeling like I’ve still got it? Am I the only one that is totally into the idea of living cleanly and healthily and isn’t willing to put in all the money, time, and effort that it takes to make that happen?

GEEZ this is exhausting!

For a long time, my personal mantra has been, “it’s better to be alone than in bad company.” But is that true? Sometimes I can’t agree with that because I don’t have any friends and I can grow sick of my own company. Is it worth it to have sort of okay friends just for the sake of filling up time, space, and selfie memory on my phone? There’s only so much I can talk to myself about!

These contradictions span into every facet of my life. Especially with people surrounding me, either at work, home, or relationships. I feel bad for the people who have to put up with it. But then again, I don’t! SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

Explanation: I feel bad for them because I’ve only ever known to be considered as a burden. When people say, “I’m here for you,” I don’t believe it because it’s been ingrained after sooooo many years of trauma (but I won’t get into that). I don’t want to bug people, ew! However, in order to apply all that I’ve learned in therapy, I need to give myself and others a chance to explore. If I have to deal with others’ stuff then it should be reciprocal, right?

I’m writing in circles at this point. #SorryNotSorry

If anyone has any pointers for making sense of ANY of this, please, oh please, holler at this girl. Damn, I need the help.

 

The Things We Leave Behind
Dilemma
Disagree
Original

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15 Replies to “Contra”

  1. Lovely and authentic writing! I appreciate how transparent your emotions are in this piece!
    As for advice, I recently came across an interview with Tracie Ellis Ross and she referenced this quote-
    “Right now can you make an unconditional relationship with yourself, just at the height you are, the weight you are, with the intelligence that you have and your current burden of pain, can you enter into an unconditional relationship with that.” ~Pema Chodron
    I think that we are allowed to accept ourselves, without reservation, as we are right now, in each moment while still working on ourselves for the long haul. Especially if we are artists 🙂 Hope that made sense… it did in my mind.

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    1. Jessi, thanks for reading!
      And even more gratitude for the advice. Dealing with (what I consider an identity crisis) is so confusing and I’m really just trying to make sense of it all.
      Just read a VICE piece on being an empath and now I’m thinking that it’s got something to do with that, but I don’t want to take it all in as that only adds more to this murky stew I’m trying to swallow! AGH!!
      But you’re right, one just has to know what is right in the moment and hope it’s right for the long run as well.

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  2. We are, all of us, walking contradictions and self denouncements and wonderful, impossible puzzles. Life is random, and our path through life is, too. We all have pieces missing and extra bits, and we are all born into untenable situations and die with strings untied.

    This is not easy.

    Our brains want order and sense and follow through and consistency, but that is not the nature of the world, or of human life. /end sermon

    Anyhow, hugs, if you want them. Cognitive dissonance is no fun.

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    1. Grumpy – I’m gonna have to call you sweet again, even if it goes against your persona haha! Thank you for reading and reaching out.
      At this point, it’s hard to keep the cognitive dissonance from interfering with my behavior and mood. I’ve been treating people in ways that I should, all because my mind and soul are not in accordance.
      It’s shitty.
      Kind of like being in a nightmare and trying to wake up to stay safe.

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      1. No! NOnonono! I am a mean, scary old woman! Also, stay out of my med cart!! 😛

        The dissonance hurts, and takes some time to work through. I think this is true for most people. I also think that as long as you are not deliberately messing with people, you are doing OK. We all just have to find our own ways to cope. I tried booze for a bit, but meditation works better! lol…

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  3. Thank you for the honesty of this post! Truly, you were vulnerable here in ways most people are afraid to be anywhere, especially written down for the public to see.
    I wanted to respond to your words here, respectively, by saying that you are EXTREMELY normal with your back-and-forth between liking yourself in various ways while also disliking yourself in those same ways. What I want to interject into your train of thought is whether or not you allow God to speak to you in the midst of the storm that is your unsureness about these very struggles? If you’re trying to face these questions on your own, your “train” will eventually run full force into a wall, hurting so much more than the mere questioning does. I urge you to dig deeper than your struggles and ask yourself if you’re trying to fight the confusion with only the limited means of your own will power. Once you can acknowledge that and slow down enough to recognize what that means, I think we can get somewhere. For now, I see you (figuratively of course) swirling around inside your own storm of thought without really having any firm grounding in yourself. So, will power won’t help. But God can! Do you have any faith in God and His ability to meet you where you are?

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    1. Lance, thanks for your words.
      No judgement here (hopefully) but I don’t practice a religion. That really ties into history and all the horrors that have been backed in the name of any given religion. Though, I do agree that it is incredibly uplifting to have something/someone to believe in.
      There’s a lot to take in and I think I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Have been for quite some time now. And it’s not until recently that it’s become a load too heavy to carry and divulge on my own.

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      1. The “strong, independent woman” in me rages yes, of course!
        But that doesn’t mean that I’m not so incredibly exhausted from all the work that involves.
        I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes.

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      2. I appreciate your humbleness in admitting that. I also consider myself a “strong, independent man, –who needs God.” And the reason why is because I know for a fact (based on almost 30 years of life on Earth–7 of those as an atheist) that I never have had what it takes. I have what it takes to let God (when I remember to surrender) lead me through my struggles, but not enough to live without Him. Although you see history and the horrors committed in the name of religion (I personally detest the word “religion”; I view Christianity as a walk of faith), and I totally agree and relate with the disgust of the associations– I believe God speaks to people who are willing to listen. I truly believe that those who committed atrocious acts in the name of religion were not listening to God, but the Devil. Though these words may fall short for you where you are now- and I’m sorry for that- I hope you will consider my main point: We cannot live without God, but we can certainly live without the Devil. We will never have what it takes on our own, but we don’t have to be on our own. I’ll end this long response with that. May you feel God’s love in your heart today. 🙂

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  4. This sums me up so well it’s scary. 😁 I feel like such a contradiction when it comes to things I feel strongly about, or just the way I act or think in certain situations. Figuring myself out is one of the hardest parts of life. Writing does help, but I’ve still got a long way to go! Thanks for being so relatable! X3

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had trouble with the endless contradictions because my thinking was black/white, either/or, all or nothing. I synthesize them with both/and gray; it feels so much better recognizing that opposites can both be true at the same time, usually by questioning into situational details. “I love rollercoasters and rollercoasters make me sick” (example from dialectical behavioral therapy) emphasising “and” to mean both are true, where you might say “but” to eliminate love for rollercoasters because the two feel irreconcilable.

    Liked by 1 person

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