The first six letters of the infamous English word CONTRADICTION.
In Spanish, this means AGAINST, which translates to COUNTER in English, which is a synonym for AGAINST.
What a small world!
But really, I am a contra[diction]. The reason I can’t get people to agree with me on most things is because I can’t even agree with myself! People can definitely detect that.
Am I the only one who so dearly wants a fully functional support system but also wants solitude, independence, and privacy? Am I the only one who wants to lose the extra 40 pounds on my body but is still quite content with the body (I mean fat) that already exists? [Because that’s what being #BodyPosi is all about!] Am I the only one who identifies as a feminist but still gets a kick out of being complimented and feeling like I’ve still got it? Am I the only one that is totally into the idea of living cleanly and healthily and isn’t willing to put in all the money, time, and effort that it takes to make that happen?
GEEZ this is exhausting!
For a long time, my personal mantra has been, “it’s better to be alone than in bad company.” But is that true? Sometimes I can’t agree with that because I don’t have any friends and I can grow sick of my own company. Is it worth it to have sort of okay friends just for the sake of filling up time, space, and selfie memory on my phone? There’s only so much I can talk to myself about!
These contradictions span into every facet of my life. Especially with people surrounding me, either at work, home, or relationships. I feel bad for the people who have to put up with it. But then again, I don’t! SEE WHAT I MEAN?!
Explanation: I feel bad for them because I’ve only ever known to be considered as a burden. When people say, “I’m here for you,” I don’t believe it because it’s been ingrained after sooooo many years of trauma (but I won’t get into that). I don’t want to bug people, ew! However, in order to apply all that I’ve learned in therapy, I need to give myself and others a chance to explore. If I have to deal with others’ stuff then it should be reciprocal, right?
I’m writing in circles at this point. #SorryNotSorry
If anyone has any pointers for making sense of ANY of this, please, oh please, holler at this girl. Damn, I need the help.