Storm

My mind, my emotions, my state, took me by storm.

I thought I could handle seeing her, but boy was I so wrong. It wasn’t that I was angry or anything in that sort of spectrum. No.

I was despondent. To be in a situation in which I had to save face so hard. I chose to escape instead when the storm hit.

The storm clenched onto my tear ducts and squeezed until there was nothing left.

The storm caught hold of my mind and heart all the same and swung then around like fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.

I was forewarned about the storm and I didn’t get out of the way. Probably because I figured I could challenge myself.

To see her again, after months of taciturnity, was uncomfortable. For her to hug me, talk to me, like it was some miracle to cross paths again, really got under my skin. I couldn’t pretend to be happy to see her. Couldn’t pretend that we were right back where we left off. I deserve an apology for how hardcore she’d ghosted me. I’ve fucking missed her and her laugh and her company. I’m not too proud to admit that IRL, but I won’t be the first one to do so.
I’m hurt… not because of anything she did to piss me off to begin with. That’s all petty stuff anyone could get over.
I’m hurt because so much time has gone by and apparently I’m not worth even a text. Any acknowledgement.

This has happened time and time again with way too many “friends”. Daisy,  Diego, Jazmin, Eva, Kira, Cody, Chloe, Chelsea, and now Ashtyn. We get super close, I come to love them dearly and then they bail. Leaving me hung out to dry in the drought Southern California sun. No friendship has lasted longer than two years and that breaks me on the inside. What did I do wrong? Am I not worthy of real and undying friendship? I don’t want to live in the past anymore, but how am I to move on to new relationships carrying the fear to old incidents?

When they say, “friends forever,” I automatically translate that to, “friendly for now.”

I’m a dumdum for walking right into another storm. Every time they grow bigger and stronger, heavier and piled high with further resent. This storm was one I didn’t know how to navigate. This storm caught the best of me.

Storm

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4 Replies to “Storm”

  1. Why are there not words for those feelings… “friendship insecurity”? “The ever constant fear of not being good enough for one person because you weren’t good enough for their preceding other”? Gah, can definitely relate. I think it’s important to remember everything good about your friendships, how they made you better or how they made you happy even if it was for a little bit. People come and go, a lot more than I’d like, but at least you can make memories. It’s important to hold onto the good ones. Okay, that was my dose of naiveté for the day. :3

    Like

    1. I love to hold on to those good memories, but it’s just so sad when they come up and it isn’t something I can tell them about. Like, “hey so and so, I thought about you today because I remembered the one time you told a joke so funny I almost died of laughter!”
      It’s like having an ex that you never had sex with >.<

      Liked by 1 person

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