I’ve been away for a little while and it’s something that I’m well aware of each day that’s gone by without a post. It’s probably because I wasn’t finding adequate solace in writing. Probably because writing about macro problems wasn’t enough to tend to my micro problems. Yes, that is selfish. But sometimes life is too overwhelming and self-love is more imperative than reporting my two cents on current events.
I am aimless. In the most definitive sense of the word, aimless. My job is very okay and I can’t leave it because I really need the money to survive. There’re hobbies that I’d love to turn into money-making careers like singing and writing, because that’s really the dream. Not working over 40 hours a week as an admin at a parking company. It’s a lame as it sounds, BUT it’s a job, so I shouldn’t complain all that much. Point is that it’s incredibly unfulfilling and mind-numbingly boring. Living at home is only getting worse. During my most recent therapy session, my therapist made it abundantly clear that my mother is clinically a narcissist and it’s unhealthy for me to live under the same roof as her. Be that as it may, I can’t afford to move out and my mother uses that vulnerability against me. I’m also pretty upset that I didn’t get to spend Father’s Day with my step-dad. This would’ve been the first time to celebrate the holiday since I grew up in a single-parent household. But since my mother is batshit crazy, she didn’t want me sharing the occasion with her as I “pose a threat to her relationship.” Crazy isn’t even a proportionate adjective for the woman.
The scribbles up there are all I can see through my four eyes. My body is on auto-pilot. Feeling like there’s no way out of the madness than to just put up with it and I’ll just sort of go on about my life that way. It’s terrible and sad. It’s figuratively debilitating. To know that there’s so much left to be desired and fall short every time.
Aimless. Where my core (mind, body, and soul) are constantly tormented and exhausted and yet my heart and intuition are what keep me going.
Aimless. Where I’m trying my darnedest to stay positive but my surroundings are otherwise negative.
Aimless. Where I know what I want to be, who I want to be, where I want to be, but can’t figure out how to make that happen.
Aimless. Where I’ll blame June Gloom for my own because that’s a whole lot easier.
Aimless. Where I want to share my grief with friends but don’t have any friends and so a life of humor filled recluse is my crutch.
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