An Updated Personal TL:DR

Things are different now. Not in the for good kind of way. Not in the ritzy kind of way. Not even in a philosophical or spiritual kind of way. More like in an uncomfortable floating kind of way. I pertain to nothing. To no one. It’s hard to smile. It’s hard to see stars. It’s hard to see tomorrow. I’ve put it all out there and have gotten nothing in return.
I’m a terribly vulnerable being. My hard exterior is as thick as an eggshell and as dense as humor. Living in Korea, it doesn’t make me feel jaded or sad, like suicidal. It also doesn’t make me feel happy. I thought leaving everything behind would trigger some kind of overdue joy. But it didn’t. I still feel numb. I still feel lost. I still feel unclaimed. Everyone belongs to something, somewhere. Nine times out of ten that’ll mean family, a tight knit group of friends, and/or a lover. I have none of that. No one knows me.
When thoughts like these overwhelm my mind, I always try to remind myself that things could be far worse. Then random, awful, hypothetical scenarios come along like being born blind or having only half a tongue or a shard of glass cutting my cheek open resulting in a hideous scar or spontaneous combustion. A totally irrational but valid fear. I digress.
For quite a long time, I’ve been using and maybe abusing the technology of online dating. I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted so I can’t give a positive review yet. It makes me feel lonelier than I need to be. It’s as if my loneliest night in Riverside hasn’t gone away. I’ll never forget laying on my green fleece blanket in my old bathtub, sobbing in the phone with Robert on the other side. I’ll never forget the emptiness of my apartment, the cold unbroken silence maintained between mom and I, the immense expectations from my friends, the mystery of my future in Korea. Of all people, I called Robert because I wanted to finally tell him how I felt. Tell him that he deserved better. Tell him that he’d given me the best summer. Thank him for all the time we spent together and all the fun we had. Thank him for not judging me when everyone else did. Tell him that he’s drop dead gorgeous. Tell him that I was slowly falling in love with him. Tell him how much I wished to see him in the future. Tell him how much I’d miss him. But I didn’t.
I’m stuck here wishing I did to finally rid myself of the looming question mark about the whole thing. Stuck here going on dates that never amount to anything (although there’s one gentleman I’m particularly fond of). Stuck here, alone. Like, if I died, no one would notice. I take that back. My job would definitely notice and only care because I’d need to be replaced. No one would care about my non-existence. If and when I talk to my mom, she calls me fat and discusses finances. None of my home friends talk to me anymore. I don’t have active friendships here. Everything is so fast paced here that I don’t know how to keep up.
But I want someone. It’s not a lot to ask. I want someone, not because I feel like I need to be validated or because I’m not independent enough. I am secure with myself and have come to accept my own company. But damn I miss having someone. Miss it so much. Korea is nothing if not lonely and cold.


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